I had a panic attack last night. I won't bore you with the details, but the panic attack (and my husband) forced me to take today off of school. And while there is SO much that I could be doing (grad school projects, grad school homework, grading tests, creating tests, creating lesson plans, writing new quizzes, reading educational books for book club, reading fun books, reading books for grad school, reading that book my husband wants to discuss, reading social media, laundry, cleaning my house, laundry, dishes, did I mention--laundry, answering emails, scrapbooking, quilting, watching the new episode of Poldark, watching old episodes of Friends, finishing watching Pride & Prejudice, drywalling, laundry, painting, vacuuming, and--oh yeah--laundry)...
Today is about ME.
So, unlike Elizabeth Gilbert in her book Eat, Pray, Love who had a year to figure things out--I have 24 hours to myself (or really 10 hours until everyone gets home and I have to be mom again) . I decide that this day isn't going to work if I try to jam pack EVERYTHING into that I want. I have ten hours and they are precious, so everything I do needs to be deliberate. Here we go.
6-7 AM Woke up and went back to sleep. Yay! Rushed the kids out of the house and to day care. Oldest child still says her neck hurts, but I need her to go to school today. My shoulders and back hurt (from stress?), not doing much for myself yet. But didn't scream at kids as we got into the car. That's a plus.
7-8 AM Got home from dropping kids off and decided it was time to eat. But today needs to be deliberately about taking care of Jen, so why not try cooking something new. I like cooking. And I'm not too worried about messing up something if it's just for me. I tried Eggs Benedict for the first time a couple of years ago (thanks to Julia Roberts in Runaway Bride), and I liked it well enough. But I've never poached an egg before. So, I look up recipe in a couple of cookbooks and decide to go with America Test Kitchen's recipe. Try poaching 3 eggs--it's all we had. Big mess. Didn't taste very good. Maybe it's the hollandaise sauce and English muffin that I liked better from Eggs Benedict. Oh it could just be the cook. She needs more practice! Oh well, the toast and raspberry jam are good.
8-9 AM Substitute calls. Same one from my last two maternity leaves. He can handle my classes so I'm not too worried. Time to blog and keep MYSELF accountable to ME about MY day. Don't even know if I'll publish this for the world to see. Decide that social media is not where I want to spend my time today. But some laundry will definitely need to be done...no clean pants. Hmmm...clean laundry doesn't do much good if it isn't put away. I find 5 baskets of so-called clean laundry and fold them while the washing machine starts its work on my jeans. I'M not multi-tasking. The washing machine is just being accommodating by working at the same time. I probably should have taken mom up on her offer to help with laundry more while our basement was under construction last week.
9-10 AM Five baskets is A LOT of laundry to fold. And I'm ashamed to admit that some of it was from our vacation to Rexburg. That was TWO months ago. No wonder I've been feeling like I have no clothes to wear. Sure, I could offer over a dozen excuses as to why it didn't get done. But excuses won't fix it the problem. Folding it today did. And figuring out how to balance my life--and ask for and accept help--will. It's funny how my ipod seems to detect my mood and play exactly what I need to hear. "Something That I Want" from Tangled, "Happy" from Despicable Me 2, "When We Were Kings" from The Count of Monte Cristo musical, to name a few. Being alone with my thoughts and the laundry made me realize that I don't really have a clean spot to my name. I remember that in college, as long as I had a spot to center myself (my bedroom if my roommates were social, or the front room if they weren't) I was fine. But I don't have that spot right now in my own home. Sure, I've got by messy bedroom, or the messy kitchen, or the messy family room, or the messy living room (get the picture) when Nate and the kids are asleep. But what if I don't want to wait until 8 pm to have a quiet moment. I think it's time to go design my craft room (a.k.a. MY space.)
10-11 AM Got distracted by a healthy snack (apple and caramel) and Game Theory. I have a project due 25 days for grad school. The purpose: introduce my classmates to game theory. So, I picked up a couple of books from the library on Wednesday and they have been sitting waiting for me to read them. Snack time seems like a good time (and a way to avoid the all-to-easy-to-get-to social media). This book is titled Gladiators, Pirates and Games of Trust by Haim Shapira. (Yes, I picked it just for the title.) First two chapters were fun to read. Did another load of laundry (Hurray for clean jeans!) And took measurements of the current craft room.
11 AM - 12 PM It's fun to design and measure (and use 7th grade math for scale factoring). What's hard is keeping this room about ME. Sure it would be easy to store all the holiday decorations in there and all the food storage and, and, and... That defeats the purpose. Right now, I am designing this room for me; not my children, or my husband, or our stuff. That's not to say that it won't end up holding some of these other items in the future. But that's not what I'm doing right now.
12-1 PM Lunch time: PB & J and more designing. Would be easier if it wasn't on my scrapbook software, but Microsoft "Paint" won't do what I want and I haven't loaded Photoshop onto my laptop. Oh well.
1-2 PM I caved. I checked social media--but only for 15 minutes. And took a much needed nap.
2-3 PM Shower, finally. And then the last two loads of laundry (from our room). These have been sitting there for weeks. Why? A pen exploded and I hadn't the heart to throw the stuff away. I also didn't have the time to do anything about it. Until today. A little Spray & Wash and the deep cleaning setting on my washing machine and the darks have come out pen-free. Now for the real challenge--the lighter colored stuff. Fingers crossed.
3-4 PM The last hour was spent centering myself by reading my scriptures, looking through home improvement pictures, and playing the piano.
Today's experiment and recovery time is over and I'm okay with that. I've enjoyed being by myself and doing only want I want. But I'm not just ME anymore. I'm also WIFE, and MOM, and DAUGHTER, and NEIGHBOR, and FRIEND, and TEACHER, and STUDENT. And that's the way it should be. Each role I play makes my life better, happier, more enriching. I just need to remember that all of these roles balance on ME. If I don't take care of myself, then I can't perform my other roles without resentment or exhaustion. Now, if I can just hold on to that idea.
